The Point System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies ... 'Make the woman happy' ..... Do something she likes and you get points.... Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. ......You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system..........

Simple Duties:

• You make the bed...................................................+1
• You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows..........0
• You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets........................-1
• You leave the toilet seat up.......................................-5
• You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...................0
• When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex........-1
• When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
• You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
• But return with beer ..............................................-5
• You check out a suspicious noise at night ..........................0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...................0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's something................+5
• You pummel it with a six iron.....................................+10
• It's her father...................................................-10

Social Engagements:

• You stay by her side the entire party..........................0
• You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy........................................-2
  Named Tiffany.................................................-4
• Tiffany is a dancer...........................................-6
• Tiffany has implants..........................................-8

Her Birthday:

• You take her out to dinner..................................0
• You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
• Okay, it is a sports bar...................................-2
• And it's all-you-can-eat night.............................-3
• It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..............-10

A Night Out With The Boys:

• Go out with a pal .........................................-5
• And the pal is happily married ............................-4
• Or frighteningly single ...................................-7
• And he drives a Mustang...................................-10
• With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ............-15

A Night Out:

• You take her to a movie.........................................+2
• You take her to a movie she likes...............................+4
• You take her to a movie you hate................................+6
• You take her to a movie you like................................-2
• It's called Death Cop 3.........................................-3
• Which features cyborgs having sex...............................-9
• You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15

Your Physique:

• You develop a noticeable potbelly...............................-15
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.....+10
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...........................................-30
• You say 'I don't give a damn because you have one too'.........-800

The Big Question:

• She asks, 'Do I look fat?' .......................................-5
• You hesitate in responding......................................-100
• You reply, 'Where?'.............................................-350

Communication:

• When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ................................0
• When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5
• You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10
• She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...............-20

Restroom Poetry

Found in restrooms around the US:

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
* Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington.
* Men's room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Washington

Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
* Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
* Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.
* Smoky Joe's, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Remember, it's not, 'How high are you?' it's 'Hi, how are you?'
* Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
* The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
* Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
* Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Arizona.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. * Bentley's House of Coffee and
Tea, Tucson, Arizona

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war. - Hell, do both, get married!

God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -God
* The Tombs Restaurant, Washington, D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books, New York, New York

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas.

JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if He had invested?
* Men's restroom, American University, Washington, D.C.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!

Express Lane: Five beers or less
* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix,AZ.

You're too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.

No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
* Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, Kentucky

Why Punctuation is Important

Bic, a great pen

DIFFICULT QUESTIONS AND INTELLIGENT ANSWERS!

Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)

Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank Opted for IFS)

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand,what would you have?
A. Very large hands. (Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find! an elephant with one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs , He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)

Q. What looks like half apple ?
A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper )

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A : Lunch and Dinner.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
A : It caused a revolution.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid (UPSC 33Rank )

Can you fail at failing?

Only with Windows!

Racial airways

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

"What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant.

"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"

"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class".

The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin.

"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class".

Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues: "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person."

With that, she turned to the black man and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."

At which point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the man walked to the front of the plane

Funny police quotes

The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

• "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
• "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
• "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
• "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
• "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
• "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
• "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
• "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
• "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."
• "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven "
• "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
• "Just how big were those two beers?
• "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC (National Crime Information Center)."
• "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours at least you know someone who can post your bail."
• "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't."

Adam's Apple

Pray for Thor

Do You Know Who I Am?

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.

Logic and the English language

Let's face it English is a stupid language.

• There is no egg in the eggplant
• No ham in the hamburger
• And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple
• English muffins were not invented in England
• French fries were not invented in France
• Quicksand takes you down slowly
• Boxing rings are square
• And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig
• If writers write, how come fingers don't fing
• If the plural of tooth is teeth Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
• If the teacher taught, Why didn't the preacher praught
• If a vegetarian eats vegetables What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
• Why do people recite at a play Yet play at a recital?
• Park on driveways and Drive on parkways
• You have to marvel at the unique lunacy Of a language where a house can burn up as It burns down
• And in which you fill in a form By filling it out
• And a bell is only heard once it goes!
• English was invented by people, not computers And it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all)
• When the stars are out they are visible But when the lights are out they are invisible
• And why it is that when I wind up my watch But when I wind up this observation It ends

Some Useful Condescending Phrases

Some useful phrases to use as an Evil Overlord as given by Steve Meredith. These humorous cuts were originally listed as useful phrases to use around work but they probably only work well if you are a Evil Overlord(TM).

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Newspaper headlines

• Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
• Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
• Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
• Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
• Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
• Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
• British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
• Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
• Eye Drops Off Shelf
• Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
• Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
• Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
• Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
• Miners Refuse to Work after Death
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• Stolen Painting Found by Tree
• Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
• Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
• Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
• War Dims Hope for Peace
• If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
• Deer Kill 17,000
• Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
• Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
• Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
• Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
• Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
• Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Haiku Error Messages

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

Everything is gone;
Your life's work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
 
Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again
 
The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.
 
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
 
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
 
Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.
 
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
 
Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.

This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.

Wind catches lily
Scatt'ring petals to the wind:
Segmentation fault

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
 
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
 
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
 
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
 
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy
 
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
 
No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?
 
Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
open the, please Hal
 
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.
 
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Top 13 Ways Hell Is Better Than Your Job

1. Your coffee stays hot all day
2. Never have to look very far to find the legal department
3. In Hell, you know who drank your Coke in the fridge - Satan
4. 30% fewer "Dilbert" cartoons in the break room
5. In Hell, that devil-may-care attitude of yours comes in handy
6. You get to spend more time with your spouse now
7. No more wondering if the boss hates you
8. Riding to work in a hand basket beats the hell out of public transportation
9. Hourly dunks in searing pools of molten lava actually quite invigorating
10. Your office: One free stale donut every Friday. Hell: One brutal mutilation of a "Full House" cast member every Friday
11. Your job: Suit and tie. Hell: Pitchforks and attitude
12. Ferocious reptilian demons can appreciate a good dirty joke now and then without threatening a sexual harassment complaint
13. Microwave popcorn - without leaving your cubicle

CSI

Life before computers

Courtroom Testimony

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh...

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.