Microsoft puts its mouse in Mac clothing

Microsoft is looking to make its Bluetooth notebook mouse more Mac friendly.

The emphasis in that sentence is on the word "looking."

The software maker hasn't made any software or hardware changes to the Bluetooth Notebook Mouse 5000. It has however, created a new retail packaging for the product, dubbing it Microsoft Notebook Mouse for Mac.

The new Microsoft Notebook Mouse for Mac is really a repackaged version of the company's existing Bluetooth muse.

(Credit: Microsoft)

Gone is the red packaging and the "Certified for Windows Vista" logo. In its place is a Mac logo and white packaging. Of course, the same mouse is inside, meaning the Bluetooth Notebook Mouse 5000 works perfectly well on a Mac, while the Microsoft Notebook Mouse for Mac has no problem working with Vista, or XP for that matter.

It will be interesting to see if Mac users take to the new packaging. The company has a mixed track record in the Mac space. Its Office for Mac is a huge seller and many people site its availability as a key factor in their being willing to switch to a Mac.

But it has pulled back on other efforts, including killing its ill-fated MSN for Mac service, Internet Explorer and Virtual PC for Mac.

Microsoft's current packaging apparently wasn't drawing too many Mac users, even with its inviting "Certified for Windows Vista" logo.

(Credit: Microsoft)

.NET Framework Library Source Code now available - ScottGu's Blog

The .NET Framework source is being released under a read-only reference license. When we announced that we were releasing the source back in October, some people had concerns about the potential impact of their viewing the source. To help clarify

.NET Framework Library Source Code now available - ScottGu's Blog

Open source software for Windows

Open source projects are usually free, and more stable than small commercial software. But that's not always true. Anyway if you're looking for open source software to use on Windows you can check out the list below

• Web browsers: FireFox: one of the best browsers out there.
• Video players: Miro: Plays almost all video types, supports RSS and torrent downloads.
• Instant Messengers: Pidgin: Can use it to connect to multiple IM accounts including MSN, IM, AOL and Jabber simultaneously.
• Email: Thunderbird: Another Mozilla great product with many features from FireFox (Themes and extensions).
• P2P: Cabos: Simple, easy to use based on GNUtella network file sharing program.
• DVD ripping/Video conversion: Media Coder: Great for ripping CDs, DVDs and converting to many file formats.
• Office suites: OpenOffice: The world famous Microsoft Office replacement for the open source community.
• Graphics/Photo editing: GIMP: Can do almost anything Adobe Photoshop is capable of.
• FTP: FileZilla: Just flat out excellent.
• IRC: X-Chat 2: The famous GNome IRC client.
• Chat clients: AMSN: MSN Messenger replacement for the Linux community.
• Mapping tools: Nasa World Wind: Very similar to Google Earth, it requires the Microsoft .NET framework to run.

Easy Cleaner 2.0

Last night I was stumbling upon computer related pages, when I bumped into a page titled "The 46 Best-ever Freeware Utilities". I took a look at the list of categories then I began checking them one by one. Well, I found it'd take me a whole day to do that so I started looking for interesting categories.

First of all I want to state that whoever made that list spent really long time doing this and I found some of the freeware listed in there very interesting, so Thanks for the effort unknown hero.

I looked at the "Best Free Registry Cleaner" just so I can backup my opinion in my past article "Keeping Windows Alive". It seems that CCleaner is there in that list but I also found a freeware that I haven't heard of "Easy Cleaner 2.0" so I decided to give it a try.

I installed it, started it, And found it to be multi tasking not just a registry cleaner. It can perform some useful tasks, so I tested those features. After going through my registry Easy Cleaner found many problems that CCleaner was unaware of. I cleaned them but found out it doesn't ask you if you want to make backups. Only because it backs up everything all by itself, and I found that a real plus since I always think "What will happen if I don't?".

Anyway I noticed that Easy Cleaner can scan you disk for unwanted file, so I gave that a try too. It was looking for unnecessary file types instead of looking for them by app or folder.

I decided then to reboot my computer to see if the startup time has improved. And yes it did improve. But as soon as I started a Microsoft Office application, it began the Repair process and asked me for the installation source. But that was about it, no other problems and so many files and registry problems removed from my computer. I still think it's great even though it removed some necessary files or registry keys.

Keeping Windows alive - part 3

Registry - The origin of most problems

This is the bad part in Windows as an OS. Windows has this very huge data center where the system and many applications can store anything, most of the registry is meaningless for a normal human, given that you might be able to track down and understand a couple of keys. But still very hard to make out. If you like a challenge type "regedit" in your run dialog.

Anyway, if you take a look at your registry you might find information about programs that you have removed for over a year. See, windows has this defect "it doesn't keep track" when it comes to the registry, and most of software creators don't even bother to cleanup when their installers/uninstallers.

This is where software like CCleaner - Another CNet highly decorated tool - comes handy. This easy and visually appealing tool can help you clean up your disk in a more advanced way the the windows Disk Cleanup utility. And it's capable of detecting some of the applications that store temporary data and cleanup after them.

Anyway it has wonderful power for such a small tool. But what does it have to do with the Registry?

If you click the "Registry" button you'll see a list of registry problem names that you might have heard of. Select the things you'd like CCleaner to look for, but be careful it's not that easy, the consequences might be harmful to your computer.

After selecting the issues you'd like detected click the "Scan for issues" button will do it's work and add the found registry problems to the list on the right with a check next to each of them. Checked problem are marked for fixing which means removal from the registry.

If you get any results you'll see the "Fix selected issues" button enabled. Click it and CCleaner will prompt you to create a backup of all the registry keys it's going to modify. Do NOT hesitate, say yes always and keep a backup for a couple of days until you make sure everything is working fine, The backup is very easy to restore, just double click the backup file and all the registry keys will be restored.

Now you can begin fixing issues 1 at a time or all in once, this operation might take some time and the application might stop responding if you have too many problems.

Anyway now that you have a clean registry try repeating the whole thing, new problem might be detected after the removal of old ones.

Now you have a huge registry with fewer problems (nothing can take care of all the problems so far). That registry as you might know is stored on your disk and for being so critical might need some extra treatment.

Any disk defragmenter will fail to handle registry files successfully. And that's why AusLogics came up with another highly decorated great tool called "Auslogics Registry Defrag" which simply keeps your registry as compact as possible install and use it, and you'll see the difference. It'll increase the performance of your Windows by a good percentage.

And that's it, you now should have your Windows as good as new.

Good luck and I hope you enjoyed reading this long article

Keeping Windows alive - part 2

Now that we're done talking about disk cleanup, it's time to discuss disk defragmentation

Disk Defragment

Disks are always partitioned to those small pieces we call "Allocation Units" when reformatting them. This means that the disk is cut into small pieces with specific size for each piece. So when a file is written on that disk it'll be stored into 1 or more of those unit depending on it's size. The larger the unit is the less files you can store in it and the smaller it is the longer it'll take for your file to be located. We're talking about milliseconds not that much time. But when a large file -larger than a single unit - is written on the disk the OS will allocate as much units as necessary, and that's were the problem begins. Sometimes a file is written into distant units so when reading it, the disk will take more time, and that's what we call a "fragmented file". Of course there are expensive brands of disks that do not allow fragmentation of a file but in case you don't have one of those you can ask Windows or AusLogics for help.

Basically a defragmenter is an application that tries to keep file fragments as close to each other as possible, this operation might require some files to be move on the physical disk - you're files will be in the same place you left them"

You can use the "Disk Defragmenter" that comes with Windows by opening it from the "Accessories==>System Tools" menu or by typing "dfrg.msc" in the run dialog.

In "Disk Defragmenter" window you'll get a list of all your disks, select any of them and click on "Analyze" - Keep in mind that disks with less than "25%" free space are tough to handle - Windows will do some work and will then show a message telling you wether you have to Defragment that disk or not. If you click the "View Report" button a small dialog with the list of fragmented files if any will popup. If you decided to Defragment that disk windows will show you the estimated disk usage before and after the process, of course it'll keep you up to date during the process.

After the whole operation is done you might notice that there are some files left undergarmented. And that's because they are either too big for the Defragmenter to handle or are being used by the system and hence cannot be moved.

When you're done with disk Defragment there is no need to reboot the computer but I like doing it.

Microsoft Disk Defragmenter is a very solid tool to keep your disks in shape, but I've noticed this free application called "Auslogics Disk Defrag". A highly decorated application by the CNet review team. This application is very straight forward. Just install it, start it, pick a disk and off you go. When you're done you can view a report of what's changed on your disk or you might just take a look at the 2 bars showing the improvement in your disk performance.

Keeping Windows alive - part 1

If you are a download junkie like myself, you must have noticed that after installing and removing software Windows tends to become slow and moody. The simplest answer is to blame Microsoft for that. Well it's not always the case even though sometimes it is the only reason.

People tend to compare Windows to Mac and Linux all the time. Mac OS X comes always in the first place. And for a known reason for people who are not biased to Apple. It's because Mac is designed to work on Apple Macintosh computers, which comes with specific brands of hardware.. Windows on the other hand works on PCs, this means it has to deal with almost every brand of hardware. Linux on the other hand is highly overrated, I tried it. I've used OpenSuse and Ubuntu for a long time now and it crashes just like windows for no known reason to you and me. I'm not going through all available editions of Linux here but lets say they are not as good as the open source community would say. They have some advantages over Windows and Max OS but you know, most of them do not interest me.

Let's cut to the main subject, I know you've read a few articles about software (free mostly) to maintain your computer but non of those articles tells you how to use them.

Disk cleanup

Every once in a while you must clean up your computer to save the space, and that might cause a few issues. When cleaning don't just delete folders, your System might be using some files in there and that means it's either going to crash or ask you for the installation source or even just stop responding at startup.

In order to do a clean up you should always consider removing the programs and applications that you don't usually use. And to do this, it's always better to remove them from the "Add/Remove Programs" applet in the control panel.

After removing the unwanted applications you'll not notice much performance improvement in your computer. It still needs some extra cleanup. Open the disk clean up manager from the "Accessories==>System tools menu" or simply by typing "cleanmgr" in the run dialog. Then pick the disk you'd like to clean up, Windows will automatically pick the disk that has windows installed on it and it's best if you begin with that disk.

Removing the "Temporary files" and the "Internet Temporary files" is always good, just don't do it everyday. You might also notice a few other files to delete that you can pick from if you have a bit of extra knowledge in computers. But be aware of the "Compress Old Data" option because it doesn't always work for your best interest.

In the "more options" tab you'll find 3 buttons the first 2 will start the "Add/Remove programs" applet. But the 3rd one and the most important is the "System Restore" "Cleanup" button.

System Restore

See, Windows have this feature called system restore in case you don't know it. It keeps backing up your files occasionally so that if something goes wrong you can revert your files to some point you know your computer was running in a good shape. These files keep increasing by time.

If you are sure you're computer is fine now and you don't want all the old backups you can create a new restore point also from the "Accessories==>System Tools" menu. You only have to do a few work and windows will take care of the rest. Oh and by the way don't enter the date in the description field because Windows keeps track of the date and time.

Back again to the "Disk Cleanup" you can now hit the 3rd "Clean up" button so that windows will get rid of all the old backup files except for the most recent one.

The 2007 Darwin Awards

• When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
• The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
• A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
• After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
• An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
• A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?].
• Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
• As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
• The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER].
• When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Gang Rivalry

George Constanza's words of wisdom

Positive proof of global warming

Another set of funny photos

Way Too Many Questions...

• Who closes the door after the bus driver gets off the bus?
• Why are pizza boxes square when the pizza is round?
• What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
• Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?
• Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
• What do you call a female daddy long legs?
• If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
• Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
• In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?
• Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?
• Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?
• If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?
• Why are SOFTballs hard?
• Do vampires get AIDS?
• Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
• Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
• Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?
• If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
• Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
• Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
• Can people without hands get a grip?
• Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
• Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?
• What do people in China call their good plates?
• Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
• If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
• Does a postman deliver his own mail?
• Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
• If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
• Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?
• Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
• Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
• Do mimes watch silent movies?
• Is the fear of flying groundless?
• Why do people say "You scared the living daylights out of me" when daylight is not living?
• Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
• Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up "there" anyway?
• If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
• Why are boxing rings square?
• Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it?
• Why is it called eggplant, when there's no egg in it?
• Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• Why do birds have white poop?
• Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
• Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?
• Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.
• If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
• If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
• Do sore thumbs really stick out?
• Why is it when you're almost dead you're on deaths doorstep, but when you're actually dead your not in deaths house?
• Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?
• What's the opposite of opposite?
• If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?
• Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?
• Is the opposite of "out of whack" "in whack" ?
• If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
• Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
• Why is the blackboard green?
• Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?
• Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
• What do you call male ballerinas?
• How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
• If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
• Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
• Did they have antiques in the olden days?
• Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
• If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid?
• Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
• What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
• Where does the white go when the snow melts?
• Can blind people see their dreams?
• What is the exception to the rule that every rule has an exception? Does that make this rule right or wrong?
• Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?
• Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?
• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
• If we all evolved from monkeys, how come there's still monkeys around now?
• Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
• Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
• If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
• If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren't we all masochist?
• Why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?
• Why is black history month (February) the shortest month of the year?
• If when people freak out they are said to be "having a cow", when cows freak out are they said to be "having a person?"
• Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not?
• Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?
• Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?
• Why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings?
• What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?
• Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?
• What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?
• Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
• If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
• Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
• Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?
• What would happen if an Irresistible Force met an Immovable Object?
• What's the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?
• If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?
• How can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?
• Why are both male and female ladybugs called ladybugs instead of ladybugs and manbugs?
• How can you hear yourself think?
• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
• Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?
• Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?
• How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?
• If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?
• If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
• Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
• If you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?
• Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents worth?
• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
• If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light - how fast is a moving light?
• Why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?
• Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy?
• How can something be new and improved? if it's new, what was it improving on?
• Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?
• Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom?
• Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?
• Why is the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star the same tune?
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
• How does Santa get into a house that doesn't have a chimney?
• If you get cheated by the better business bureau, who do you complain to?
• If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
• What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
• What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?
• Why are turds pinched off at the end?
• I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?
• If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?
• Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?
• If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?
• How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?
• What would you use to dilute water?
• What should one call a male ladybird?
• How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?
• If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you?
• Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
• If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
• Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
• Aren't all generalizations false?
• Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
• Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
• Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?
• Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
• Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?
• If so, how could you treat them?
• Did Adam and Eve have navels?
• Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
• Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
• Do fish get cramps after eating?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
• Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?
• Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
• Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
• How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
• How can someone "draw a blank"?
• How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
• How can there be "self help GROUPS"?
• How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
• How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
• How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
• How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
• How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?
• How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
• How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you're never in darkness?
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
• If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown?
• If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
• If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care?
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
• If God dropped acid, would he see people?
• How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?
• How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
• If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
• If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
• If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
• If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
• If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?
• If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?
• If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
• If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?
• If a jogger runs a the speed of sound can he still hear his Walkman?
• If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
• If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
• If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
• If God sneezes...what should you say?
• If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?
• If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?
• If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
• If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
• If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
• If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?
• If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
• If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• If super glue is so good, why doesn't it stick to the side of the tube?
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?
• If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
• If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?
• If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
• If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
• If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
• If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
• If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
• If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
• If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
• If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up?
• If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
• If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?
• If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?
• If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
• If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?
• If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?
• If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?
• If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
• If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?
• If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?
• If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?
• If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
• If you take a shower, where do you put it?
• If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?
• If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
• Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
• Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
• Is it possible to be totally partial?
• Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork?
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
• Is there a Dr. Salt?
• Isn't hot water already hot?
• Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
• Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
• Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
• Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
• Shouldn't it be some things in moderation?
• Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
• There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
• What came first the chicken or the egg?
• What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
• What color would a smurf turn if you choked it?
• What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
• What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
• What do sheep count when they can't sleep?
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
• What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?
• What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
• What happened to the first 6 ups?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?
• What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
• What is another word for "thesaurus"?
• What is the speed of dark?
• What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?
• What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
• What's another word for synonym?
• When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done wiping their butt?
• When people lose weight, where does it go?
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
• When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?
• When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
• When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
• When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
• Where are Preparations A through G?
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
• Who invented accents?
• Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
• Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?
• Why are there never any artist's materials in a drawing room?
• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
• Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?
• Why aren't there bullet-proof pants?
• Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?
• Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won't they all stop eventually?
• Why do bars advertise live bands?
• What does a dead band sound like?
• Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
• If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down?
• Why do guys wear underpants?
• Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
• Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?
• Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
• Why do they report power outages on TV?
• Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
• Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?
• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
• Why do we have hot water heaters?
• Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
• Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
• Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
• Why do you weep and sniffle over a TV program and the imaginary Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
• Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
• Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
• Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
• Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
• Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?
• Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
• Why don't you ever see baby pigions?
• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
• Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
• Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
• Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?
• Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
• Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?
• Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
• Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
• Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?
• Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?
• Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
• Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
• Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?
• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
• Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
• Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?
• Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
• Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
• Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
• Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
• After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
• You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
• Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
• Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
• Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
• Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
• Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
• Have ex-punsters been expunged?

Funny pictures

A clock for math whizzes

Math enthusiasts who don't want to move totally into the digital realm might appreciate this analog clock.

Each number is expressed as a calculation involving three instances of the number 9.

For example, 5 o'clock is the square root of nine (3), factorial (3x2x1 = 6), minus 9/9 (6-1 = 5).

The trickiest time is 7 o'clock, whose calculation works out to 6.99999..., with an infinite number of nines. Wikipedia assures us that 0.99999... really does equal 1, so no worries that the clock is cheating there.

While we're on the subject of archaic clock technology, how come clocks and watches with Roman numerals represent 4 o'clock with IIII rather than the traditional IV? A friend told me it was because it was easier for illiterate people to comprehend, but I'd love to see some history about this.

The Wit of Steven Wright

• Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
• If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
• Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
• Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
• If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
• I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
• So what's the speed of dark?
• How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
• After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
• Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
• If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
• I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
• Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
• Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
• When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
• If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
• Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
• Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
• How come abbreviated is such a long word?
• If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
• Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
• Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
• Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
• Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
• Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
• If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
• If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
• What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
• If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
• Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
• When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
• Do fish get cramps after eating?
• Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
• Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
• Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
• When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
• Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
• Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
• How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
• If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
• Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
• Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
• Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
• Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
• What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
• Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
• Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Before you jump