Australian Tourists

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website. The (sometimes brilliant) answers are apparently the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: (UK) Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow?
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: (USA) Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: (Sweden) I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: (Sweden) Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia?
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: (UK) Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane,Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: (USA) Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: (USA) Which direction is North in Australia?
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: (UK) Can I bring cutlery into Australia?
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: (USA) Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule?
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man- y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: (UK) Can I wear high heels in Australia?
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: (Germany) Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: (USA) Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum.
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: (USA) I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees.
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: (France) Do you have perfume in Australia?
A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: (USA) I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia?
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: (Italy) Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population?
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: (France) Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: (USA) I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help?
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: (USA) Will I be able to speak English most places I go?
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first

Funny quotes

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
-Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
-Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
-Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
-Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
-Jay Leno

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.
-Bill Cosby

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
-Elayne Boosler

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
-Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
-Elayne Boosler

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
-Jerry Seinfield

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
-Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
-Robin Williams

Qantas Maintenance Reports

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last ...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Words to live by...

• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
• It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
• Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
• If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
• Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
• Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
• A closed mouth gathers no foot.
• Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
• There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

Taking care of babies

 

Actual quotes from Federal employee-performance evaluations

• "Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
• "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
• "I would not allow this employee to breed."
• "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
• "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
• "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
• "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
• "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
• "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
• "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
• "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
• "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
• "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
• "A room temperature IQ."
• "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
• "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
• "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
• "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
• "Bright as Alaska in December."
• "One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."
• "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
• "Fell out of the family tree."
• "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
• "Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
• "He's so dense, light bends around him."
• "If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
• "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
• "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
• "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
• "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
• "One neuron short of a synapse."
• "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
• "Takes him 10 hours to watch 60 minutes."
• "Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."
• "Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

The Best Geek Quotes

• 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
• Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."
• There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.
• My pokemon brings all the nerds to the yard, and they're like you wanna trade cards? Darn right, I wanna trade cards, I'll trade this but not my charizard.
• If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0
• I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly
• Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
• The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty: it's twice as big as it needs to be.
• I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code
• A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

Life Reflections by George Carlin

• Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
• I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
• I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
• I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
• I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
• Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
• Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
• You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
• I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them
• One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
• They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
• Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
• A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".
• Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Why we like the British

BRITISH NEWSPAPERS
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -
"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGOUND TUBE

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Barking and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

Things to do while watching Lord of the Rings

• Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait...where the hell is Harry Potter?"
• Block the entrance to the theatre while screaming, "YOU.....SHALL....NOT..... PASS!"
• Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says, "the Ring."
• Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
• Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.
• Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mis..ter Ander-sonnn."
• When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
• Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
• Dress up as old ladies and re-enact "The Battle of Helms Deep," Monty Python style.
• When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
• In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout, "RUN FOREST, RUN!"
• Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
• During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"
• Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
• Start an Orc sing-a-long.
• Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.
• When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for a tense moment and shout, "I see dead people!"
• Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like.
• Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theatre during the Shelob scene.
• Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.
• When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man! Charlotte's really let herself go!"
• After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2008

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, ‘Please come out and give yourself up.’

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: ‘Give me all your money or I’ll shoot’, the man shouted, ‘that’s not what I said!’

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: ‘My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart’. ‘Is this her first child?’ the doctor asked. ‘No!’ the man s houted, ‘This is her husband!’

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped i n the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER…THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

50 "Other" Facts of Life...

• Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
• Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
• There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
• The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
• A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
• There are more chickens than people in the world.
• The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched.".
• All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on.4:20.
• No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
• "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
• Where is the online database of new car lowest invoice prices?
• There are only 4 words in the English language which end in dous: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
• A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
• An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
• Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
• In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
• Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
• The characters Bert & Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It'sa Wonderful Life.".
• A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
• A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.
• It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
• The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
• In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
• The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by aradar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
• The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
• There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
• The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
• A cockroach can live nine days without its head before itstarves to death.
• A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, butactually clear.
• Elvis had a twin brother named Aaron, who died at birth,which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron: in honorof his brother. It is also misspelled on his tomb stone.
• Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because hedoesn't wear pants.
• More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killedin plane crashes.
• Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
• Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump.".
• Marilyn Monroe had 6 toes on one foot.
• If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
• Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
• Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
• The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
• The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start, with the exception of North America.
• TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
• The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
• A snail can sleep for 3 years.
• American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
• The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
• Vatican City is the smallest country in the world with a population of 1,000 and a size of 108.7 acres.
• "Go!" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
• No president of the United states was an only child.
• The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it!

Desktop search engines

When the topic of desktop searching is brought, Google desktop and maybe Microsoft "Windows Search" are the only 2 competing software available both for windows only.

I've tried both of the for a while now and I think I made up my mind when it comes to judging the 2 famous desktop searches.

Starting with Google desktop, I think it's pretty descent looking, full of cool features plugable for many file types and comes with a pretty neat indexing process (you can't tell it's working).

The sidebar that comes with Google desktop is also really nice for a Windows XP user like myself. Since we are not allowed to have Windows Vista gadgets. Those gadgets are really entertaining and time saving for most of the time (There are games that would waste your time you know).

I've tried Google Desktop for 3 months now and the one thing I noticed is that it's taking really huge disc space (2.5GBs) which is a little bit annoying for me. The other con is the way it misbehaves after starting a DirectX full screen app (Fancy word for a game).

So the keywords to describing Google Desktop are (Entertaining, plugable, neat, HUGE DISC SPACE, MISBEHAVING)

Now it's time for Microsoft WindowsSearch 3.0 (I've Downloaded version 4 but haven't installed it yet)

Well the only good thing about WindowsSearch so far, is that it didn't take as much disc space as Google desktop. I'm trying hard to find any advantage for WindowsSearch over Google Desktop. Seems like the only pro to me.

It doesn't take a long time to figure out what's wrong with WindowsSearch. When indexing files you can always tell, Have a pretty strange way of categorizing files, looks hideous, And for some reason have to reindex your files on every system startup!

I just installed the New version of WindowsSearch, doesn't look different from the older version. But is supposed to be capable of indexing more file types (OpenOffice files, PDFs...). The really STUPID thing was the setup, it was simple and I didn't even notice it working. But thankfully I read the message shown when setup completed successfully, or else my computer would have rebooted when clicking finish and without even asking me if I wanted to reboot.

Not to be a biased reviewer but once again Google kicks some Microsoft butt.

Men's Rules for Men

• Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
• Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
• It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
  
  • The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
  • After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
  • When your date is using her teeth
• Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
• If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
• The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes.
• Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
• No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.).
• When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
• You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
• It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless super model... and it's free.
• Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
• If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothing.
• Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
• You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
• If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
• Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
  
  • Yeah, Baby, Push it!
  • C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
  • Another set and we can hit the showers!
  • Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?
• Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
• Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone, hang up if necessary.
• When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.

Three women

Three women, one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all
three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their
eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me
with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,
You are the woman of my life. I love you. Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I
was wearing the leather bodice, heel s, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we made wild love all
night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mothers house for the
night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the
door and saw me he said, What’s for dinner, Batman!

Axioms

• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

• A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

• On the other hand, you have different fingers.

• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

• Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

• When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

• Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

• He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

• She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

• Honk if you love peace and quiet.

• Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

• It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.

• Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

• It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

• You can't have everything, where would you put it?

• Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

• If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

• The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

• Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

• Shin: A device for finding furniture.

• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

• It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

• Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

• I wished the buck stopped here, because I could sure use a few.

• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Several dozen of the stupidest things ever said

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" --Apple Computer Inc. founder, Steve Jobs, on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." --1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon- Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981

Twenty-one Reasons Why English Is Hard to Learn

• The bandage was wound around the wound.
• The farm was used to produce produce.
• The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
• We must polish the Polish furniture.
• He could lead if he would get the lead out.
• The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
• Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
• A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
• When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
• I did not object to the object.
• The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
• There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
• They were too close to the door to close it.
• The buck does funny things when does are present.
• A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
• To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
• The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
• After a number of injections my jaw got number.
• Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
• I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
• How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Wiener poopie

Disorder in the court

These excerpts from court transcripts are purported to
be true. You be the judge! 
              
The following are actual statements made during court
cases:

From a defendant representing himself...

Defendant:  Did you get a good look at me when 
            I stole your purse?

Victim:     Yes, I saw you clearly.  
            You are the one who stole my purse.

Defendant:  I should have shot you while I had the chance.
          *****************************
              
Defendant:  Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

Judge:      And why is that?

Defendant:  Because the Public Defender isn't
            interested in my case.
Judge to
Public 
Defender:   Do you have any comments
            on the defendant's motion?

Public 
Defender:   I'm sorry, Your Honor.  I wasn't listening.
          *****************************
              
Judge:     Please identify yourself for the record.

Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.

Judge:     What does the "Colonel" stand for?

Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in
           front of your name.  Not a damn thing.
          *****************************
              
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness.

Have you nything to say in your defense?

Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
          *****************************
              
Defendant  (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail):
           May I adress the court?

Judge:     Of course.

Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, 
           what would you do?

Judge:     I'd hold you in contempt and assess an
           additional five days in jail.

Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?

Judge:     I can't do anything about that.  
           There's no law Against thinking.

Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.

Some Funny Stories

NUDITY (don't assume...just read it!)
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

The Funniest Signs Around the World!

  

   

40 things you'd love to say out loud at work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.
10. Ahhhh .. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic and disorder…my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh, I get it…like humor…but different.

Men vs. Women

Relationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Sex:
Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

Hats:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

Comedy:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazine also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Going out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

Leg warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line".

Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface--mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.

Garages:
Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Movies:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind". For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy".

Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction--he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Low Blows:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

Directions:
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for d