ComputerJy Inside

Did you ever stop and wonder...

computerjy@computerjy.com (ComputerJy) — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 16:01:00 +0000

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why you don't ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop 'Windows'?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
Why people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why your Obstetrician or Gynecologist leaves the room when you get undressed - if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why Goofy stands erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?
Why they call the airport "a terminal" if flying is supposedly so safe?
Who the first first person was to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who the first person was that said, "See that chicken there, I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum?"
Why the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, but can't he fix a hole in a boat?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
What do you call male ballerinas?
If blind people can see their dreams? Do they dream??
That if Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why the "Alphabet Song" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
Why it is when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
How come we put a man on the moon before realizing it would be a good idea to put wheels on suitcases?
Why brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells are forever?
How important someone has to be before they can be 'assassinated' rather than just plain 'murdered'?
How come "phonetically" is spelt with a "ph"?
Why a round pizza gets delivered in a square box?
Why people pay to go up in tall buildings, and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
When you get to heaven / paradise / nirvana, are you stuck wearing whatever you were buried or cremated in forever?
Why people say they "slept like a baby", when babies normally wake up every two hours?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
What would the speed of lightning be if it didn't zigzag?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but has to check when you say the paint is wet?
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Whose idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Why don't women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

Axioms of the New Generation

computerjy@computerjy.com (ComputerJy) — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 11:25:00 +0000

Life isn’t like a box of chocolates, it’s more like a jar of jalapeños — you never know what’s going to burn your ass.
I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing them again.
I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
My reality check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier!
You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Everyone is someone else’s weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Be careful. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don’t be irreplaceable - if you can’t be replaced, you won’t be promoted.
The more Sh*t you put up with, the more Sh*t you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
So this isn’t Home Sweet Home... Adjust!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
I’d live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without a boner, make him a sandwich!
What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it!
How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It’s the one with bite marks on the cap!

Rejected, banned, and most complained advertising from all over the world.

computerjy@computerjy.com (ComputerJy) — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 02:30:00 +0000

Bacardi - Canada - Banned as it "objectified and demeaned women" (ASC)

Kiss Tobacco - Israel - Banned as it contains "obscenity and ressemblance of human beings"

Paddy Power - Ireland - Banned as "the betting odds referred to each woman's chances of either being knocked down by the truck were offensive and demeaned older people"

Energizer - Chile - Rejected by the client

NO2ID - UK - Most Complained as "the barcode on Tony Blair's upper lip made him resemble Hitler, which was offensive"

Killer Heels by NMA - UK - Banned as it "trivialised and stylised violence"

Department of Health - UK - Banned as it can "frighten and distress children"

Gucci - UK - Banned

Six Feet Under TV Series - UK - Banned as they were "offensive, shocking and likely to cause undue distress"

Diesel - UK - Banned as its "sexual image was likely to cause serious or widespread offence and was unsuitable in a magazine that could be seen by children"

Russian Finance Magazine - RUSSIA - Banned for being "immoral"

The Rules of Attraction (movie) - USA - Banned as "the copulating toys were considered offensive and obscene"

Tom Ford - USA - Most Complained as "it was sexually explicit"

Towers Anti-Smoking Campaign - CHINA - Rejected as "inappropriate"

The Breast Cancer Fund - USA - Rejected by advertising spaces run by Viacom "over fears that its depiction of mastectomy scars would prove to be too shocking to the public"

The Matrix Running on Windows XP

computerjy@computerjy.com (ComputerJy) — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 09:42:00 +0000

Limo Driver

computerjy@computerjy.com (ComputerJy) — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 22:49:00 +0000

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver,
"Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you,"
says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when,
after exiting the airport,
the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the
limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!"
pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,"
moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!

Fix Unresponsive or Frozen Linux Computers using Shortcuts

computerjy@computerjy.com (ComputerJy) — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 18:00:00 +0000

Linux systems are known for their stable operation, designed to be operational without reboot for years. However if you still manage to pull a string and freeze up your computer there are quite a few ways to get the system back to work. You can login to a virtual console, use pgrep and pkill, use xkill, system monitor and kill the offending process if you are sure about them. Or if nothing works you can hit the power button may be? But before you head towards that power button there is one last magical way to get back your system, and I am going to talk about it in this article.

First off I am sure there would be many of us who don’t know that their keyboard has a sysrq key. Is it? Or perhaps you had forgotten about it? Yes its that PrintScreen/SysRq key that we are going to MakeUseOf in this article.

What is a Magic SysRq Key

A Magic SysRq Key lets you send some low level commands independent of the system state. This means that if the system is frozen you can use these key combinations to perform certain actions and thus regain control.

So what’s the magic? Well if you are ever stuck with an unresponsive system try

Alt+PrintScreen+r+s+e+i+u+b.

Pheew! So how many hands do you need to do this? Or should you use your toes? Well, actually you only press and hold Alt and PrintScreen together, the other keys are pressed one at a time and then released. There is quite a lot happening when you do this. ‘r’ ’s’ ‘e’ ‘i’ ‘u’ ‘b’ actually stand for seperate commands:

r - takes the control of the keyboard back from X.
s - writes the data from the disc cache to the hard disk.
e - sends SIGTERM to all processes except init.
i - sends SIGKILL to all processes except init
u - remounts all the filesystems readonly (basically a measure to help you reboot safely)
b - reboots the system

As you see that pressing each letter accomplishes certain tasks, so it makes sense to press them one by one while having the Alt+PrintScreen combination depressed. Give sufficient time before pressing the next key to allow the system to perform all the tasks as requested by the Magic SysRq Key combination

Other Magic Commands

That’s not all. Alt+PrintScreen+r+s+e+i+u+b is just one special combination of the commands that helps you recover an unresponsive system. There are other commands available as well:

0 - 9
sets the console log level, controlling which kernel messages will be printed to your console so that you don’t get flooded.

b
restarts the system without making steps to ensure that the conditions are good for a safe reboot, using this key alone is like doing a cold reboot.

e
sends SIGTERM to all processes except init.

f
call Out Of Memory Killer, which will kill a process that is consuming all available memory.

h
displays help about the SysRq keys on a terminal though in actuality you can use any key except for the ones specified, to display help.

i
sends SIGKILL to all processes except init.

k
kills all processes on the current terminal.

l
sends SIGKILL to all processes, including init.

m
dumps memory info to your console.

o
shuts down the system via ACPI or in older systems, APM.

p
dumps the current registers and flags to your console.

q
dumps all timers info to your console.

r
takes keyboard and mouse control from the X server.

s
writes all data from the disc cache to the hard-discs, it is a sync and is necessary to reduce the chances of data corruption.

t
dumps a list of current tasks and info to your console.

u
remounts all mounted filesystems read-only. After using this key, you can reboot the system with Alt+SysRq+B without harming the system.

w
dumps uninterruptable (blocked) state tasks.

Alt+Printscreen is also the keyboard shortcut for screenshot of the active window under Gnome and some other window managers.Make sure you have Magic SysRq Keys enabled on your system. Magic SysRq keys/commands work only if the kernel was compiled with the CONFIG_MAGIC_SYSREQ option.

You can also use proc sysrq trigger calls to control the behavior of sysrq keys. Generally you only need to know that

echo 0 > /proc/sys/kernel/sysrq disables sysrq keys

and

echo 1 > /proc/sys/kernel/sysrq enables sysrq keys

There are other numbers with special meanings like 2 - enable control of console logging level, 4 - enable control of keyboard (SAK, unraw), 8 - enable debugging dumps of processes etc, 16 - enable sync command, 32 - enable remount read-only, 64 - enable signaling of processes (term, kill, oom-kill), 128 - allow reboot/poweroff, 256 - allow nicing of all RT tasks(control the nice level(priority) of Real Time tasks)

Alternatively adding kernel.sysrq=1 in /etc/sysctl.conf file will also enable sysrq keys.

Please be extra careful while editing configuration files.

There you have it. Your very own contingency plan. If you find the combination difficult to memorize you may write it down and paste it on monitor, or just remember “Raising Skinny Elephants Is Utterly Boring”.

Magic SysRq keys are nothing new, they have been a feature of the kernel since quite some time now. Have you ever got the chance to use them? or do you prefer some other way? Share with us in the comments.

Funny cats

computerjy@computerjy.com (ComputerJy) — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 01:21:00 +0000

Put downs

computerjy@computerjy.com (ComputerJy) — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 06:32:00 +0000

Some people are like slinkys. Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
If idiots could fly, this would be an airport!
This is an "A" "B" conversation so "C" your way out of it.
Mirrors don't talk, and luckily for you they don't laugh either!
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
Before you open your mouth to speak, please make sure it's an improvement upon the silence.
100,000,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
I hear you are very kind to animals so please give that face back to the gorilla.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
If you were any dummer, you'd have to be watered twice a week!
You'll never have a nervous breakdown, but you sure are a carrier!
"Your kid may be an honor roll student, but you're still an idiot!"

Weight Loss Fail

computerjy@computerjy.com (ComputerJy) — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 21:50:00 +0000

Funny pickup lines

computerjy@computerjy.com (ComputerJy) — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 12:46:00 +0000

Did we go to different schools together?
Excuse me, but did you happen to find my Nobel Peace Prize?
What pickup line actually works on you?
Do you have any raisins? Well, then how about a date?
I'm glad I'm not blind!
Can you please scratch my back? My arms are far too muscular for me to reach.
If I got a nickel for everyone I've met who is as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.
You stole my heart. That's OK, though - I have another one at home in the fridge.
I lost my teddy bear! Will you sleep with me tonight?
Is there a mirror in your pocket? 'Cause I can really see myself in your pants.
Why don't you come sit in my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up.
Mind if I talk to you until it's safe down there where I farted?
If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Are your pants from outer space or is your butt just out of this world?
You're so sweet, you're going to put Hershey's out of business!
Would you like Gin and Platonic, or Scotch and Sofa?
When God said, "Let there be woman," he created you.
Don't you know me from somewhere?
Is your name Summer? 'Cause you are HOT!
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see around here.
Can I even get a fake number?
You sure have a great looking tooth.
Are you religious? You're the answer to my prayers.
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I'm asking for only one.
My friend wants to know if you were born in those jeans.
Your place or your place? Because my place is a dump!
You don't need car keys to drive me crazy.
Falling for you would be a very short trip.
Don't stop! I don't usually get to see beauty in motion.
Do you know why the sky is so gray? All the blue is in your eyes.
You're so fine, you make me want to go out and get a job.
Remember me? Oh, that's right, I've met you only in my dreams.
Those must be space pants, 'cause your butt is out of this world!
I think I've just found the angel I'd like to be touched by.
Can I lick that film off your teeth?
Don't be so picky....I wasn't!
Let's go behind that rock, and get a little boulder.
You look a lot like my future wife.
I'd better get a library card, because I'm checking you out.
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you're hot!
Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Without my glasses, you couldn't pass for a female.
You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I'll go choo choo.
What do you like for breakfast?
Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
I want to call your mother and thank her.
Your daddy must be a thief, because he stole the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes.
That outfit would look great crumpled up on the floor at the foot of my bed.
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
My name is [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
(Look at his / her shirt label) When they say, "What are you doing?", you say, "Checking to see if you were made in heaven."
There must be something wrong with my eyes, because I can't take them off you.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
Do you know how to use a whip?
Can you give me directions...to your heart?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.
You look just like Joan Rivers.
Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I'll still make your bed rock.

20 Ideas For Making the Olympics Kick Way More Ass

computerjy@computerjy.com (ComputerJy) — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 20:15:00 +0000

Things You Only Learn From College

computerjy@computerjy.com (ComputerJy) — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 16:38:00 +0000

Quarters are like gold.
Be creative in the dining hall.
Flipflops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.
You will never find so many excuses for a bucket.
Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.
New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry’s, Ho-Hos and Oreos
Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.
Duct tape heals all wounds. (If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.)
Showers become less important.
Sleep becomes more important.
Two meals a day are standard. One for some!
Recycling becomes synonymous with laundry (”Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas…there’s only a *little* bit of mud on them…”).
You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle maker).
10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class (not that this is anything really new).
Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.
It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, or alcohol.
If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else’s notes.
You begin to nap again (also not new).
Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.
Isn’t it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for his class?
Labs used to be fun.
T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.
Squirt guns equal stress relief.
E-mail becomes your second language.
Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.
Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they’re a Godsend.
You never realized so many people are smarter than you.
You never realized so many people are dumber than you.
Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.
Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you’d never know, but you could recite last week’s episode of “Friends” verbatim.
See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; it’s actually proportional to the amount of money you have.
Road trip whenever possible.
Pick up all new lingo.
Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.
Don’t burn bridges, especially if he’s good in Biology.
Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.
The health service attendants are there because they couldn’t make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.
Forget putting the toilet seat down,you just pray that they flush.
Frisbee becomes a contact sport.
Care packages rank up there with birthdays.
College girls are the same as high school girls, just with more freedom…and no curfew.
It was never this bad when you got sick.
Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.
Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room.
You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression…it’s not!
You’ll learn more about male genetalia than you ever thought necessary, guys talk more about that than women and sex put together.
Beware the freshman 15, or in some cases, the freshman cup size.
Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.
Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.
You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time.
Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.
Any game can be made into a drinking game.
Disney movies are more than just classics.
Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.
You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.
Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don’t get the messages.
Cereal makes a meal any time of day.
Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.
ATMs are the devil’s advocate.
Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.
You almost forget how to drive.
You’ll drink anything if it’s free..
People still cheat, it’s just more technologically advanced.
You get really good with excuses for skipping class.
The girl you’re going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo down.
Ordering food at 1 am is a common occurrence.
You never realized how cool you can be.
TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before.
You realize how great your hell summer job was once you get to work study.
Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever before.
You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.
You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and roommates snoring.
You don’t have to cover your textbooks anymore.
You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, work, parties…
You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.
People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.
You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.
You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually not).
Procrastination becomes an art.
Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for example, see # 12).
The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.
Your parents start to tell you stories about their college days.
With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you’re on intellectual welfare.
Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.
Amount of alcohol consumed is directly proportional to grade point average.
You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes.
Classes: the later the better.
The cute girls actually talk to you now.
Care packages make it all worthwhile.
The longer you’re there, the less you talk about home.
Always wear your safety goggles, they’re not kidding.
You just don’t learn last names.
Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof.
That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more than in high school Physics class.
Card games never lasted for hours before.
Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.
Boys will dance in college.
People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.
You are never alone.
You find out what beer sludge is.
It’s amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.
You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the cafeteria Lucky Charms are the real thing.
People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.
You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.
All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some cookies.
You never realized how quiet your house was.
Dishes aren’t dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or mold in them.
Printers only break down when you desperately need them.
You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.
Your life will never be the same again.

The funniest telemarketer comeback ever

computerjy@computerjy.com (ComputerJy) — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 12:25:00 +0000

Maintaining A Healthy Level of Insanity

computerjy@computerjy.com (ComputerJy) — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 07:23:00 +0000

At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"
Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
Don't Use Any Punctuation
As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.
Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
Sing Along At The Opera.
Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood.
Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.
When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

Signs you’re drinking too much coffee

computerjy@computerjy.com (ComputerJy) — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 13:46:00 +0000

You answer the door before people knock.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people’s fingernails.
Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.”
You can type sixty words per minute … with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Cocaine is a downer.
You don’t need a hammer to pound nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
You don’t sweat, you percolate.
You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
Instant coffee takes too long.
When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can thread a sewing machine, while it’s running.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
You don’t tan, you roast.
You can’t even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.

Pregnancy Tips 2

computerjy@computerjy.com (ComputerJy) — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 10:42:00 +0000

Quotes about sex

computerjy@computerjy.com (ComputerJy) — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 07:40:00 +0000

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex --no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love."
Woody Allen
"Lord, grant me chastity and continence... but not yet."
St. Augustine
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfeld
"Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it."
Woody Allen
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"My family never raised me to have a vagina."
Roseanne
"An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex."
Aldous Huxley
"Did you ever notice the people who are most adamantly against abortions are people you wouldn't want to f*#k in the first place?"
George Carlin
"Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven."
Mark Twain
"One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other."
Jane Austen
"Sex concentrates on what is on the outside of the individual. It's funny because I think it's better inside."
Alex Walsh
"When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows."
Frederike Ryder

Bad Days

computerjy@computerjy.com (ComputerJy) — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 15:02:00 +0000

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.
In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

McCain vs. Obama dance

computerjy@computerjy.com (ComputerJy) — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 12:09:00 +0000

4chan and the Dark Knight

computerjy@computerjy.com (ComputerJy) — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 12:00:00 +0000

Things Computers Can Do in Movies

computerjy@computerjy.com (ComputerJy) — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 13:43:00 +0000

Word processors never display a cursor.
You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
All monitors display inch-high letters.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.
You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".)
All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer even if it's turned off.
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. (Really advanced computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)
All computer panels operate on thousands of volts and have explosive devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that causes you to jump backwards.
People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data.
A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two tries.
You may bypass "PERMISSION DENIED" message by using the "OVERRIDE" function. (See "Demolition Man".)
Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average minutes for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset.
Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control panels will explode shortly before the entire building will.
If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (See "Clear and Present Danger").
If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it.
Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See "Independence Day".)
Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and all software is usable on any platforms.
The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have (See "Aliens".)
Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because the buttons have no labels except for the "SELF-DESTRUCT" button.
Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities.
Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.
Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their face. (See "Alien" or "2001")
Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your keywords are. (See "Mission Impossible", Tom Cruise searches with keywords like "file" and "computer" and 3 results are returned.)

Some of the Best 'Out of Office' Automatic email Replies

computerjy@computerjy.com (ComputerJy) — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 05:10:00 +0000

I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
Sorry to have missed you, But I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
I’ve run away to join a different circus.
I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Kate’ instead of Dave.

Firefox and his mates

computerjy@computerjy.com (ComputerJy) — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 21:56:00 +0000

The Republican National Convention in a minute

computerjy@computerjy.com (ComputerJy) — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 18:55:00 +0000

Things you learn from having kids

computerjy@computerjy.com (ComputerJy) — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 05:06:00 +0000

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.